guy next to me on the bus is a "singer, actor, voice impressionist." oh and he needs a quarter. about 7 hours ago from txt

worth sharing.

here are a couple of my recent fave things (not super oprah-core, but whatevs):

overheard in the office

texts from last night

my dad is a fob (there's one for moms, too)

and of course,

average cats

just trying to branch out beyond fmylife.com. probs all of this is old news, anyway. but if any of these are new to you, you will surely enjoy!

obvs my bf is making me fat.

came across this article at nytimes.com yesterday. the basic idea is that, as a lady, i'll likely get fatter faster living with my bf than i would if i were single. if i had a baby i'd get fatter fastest; really dodged a bullet on that one.

i sent eben a text after i read this article, asking him WHY he would do that (make me fat).

his response was even more assuring than i could have ever expected. "more cushion for the pushin."

pass the potato chips!

someone's pretty jealous!

my mom this morning: "you're wearing that to work? aren't those your pajamas?"

my reply: "yes. and yes."

mom: "..."

me: "don't be jealous slash dbj."

yelp: the ultimate love/hate relationship.

ok, so i find myself with a hypocritically powerful hatred for yelp.

on the one hand, regular "yelpers" are unbearably pretentious. they go to "elite" events (they actually call themselves that on purpose! that adjective every well-educated democrat politician has worked a lifetime to avoid!), they write five-paragraph reviews based on their original five-point rating system, they post pics of their ironic tattoos and facial hair with no regard for the optical damage they are causing the rest of us.

yelp represents the absolute WORST of elitist hipster bullshit.

and yet.

i have a profile on yelp. and this makes me part of the very culture i constantly mock and undermine.

i have written a grand total of ONE yelp review, for seed, which serves tasty raw and cooked vegan food here in santa rosa and has the most DELICIOUS sunday brunch but has not been open in FOREVER except for the to go part since they are moving or something like that. i didn't even want to create a profile or anything on yelp but i couldn't help it. someone had written something about seen NOT being amazingly tasty and i just had to step in and set the record straight. basically yelp tricked me into joining and now my membership haunts me on a daily basis.

both my somewhat accidental yelp membership and the fact that yelp is actually USEFUL more often than not (i would say an average of 68% or so, which i sure a seasoned yelper would rate as three stars, maybe four if the service was faster or the crowd was better, or if brunch was served a bit longer) have really put me in a predicament. i no longer feel justified making sweeping generalizations about yelp or yelpers, and this has really interfered with the critical (and witty) remarks i once delivered, almost on reflex. i've been hesitating to talk any shit whatsoever about yelp and the people on it because now I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE!

i am wondering if there may be some way around this. should i cancel my membership? should i just embrace my inner elitist and start reviewing every restaurant and cafe i've ever been to? should i design MY VERY OWN five-point rating system?

the fact is i'm just too lazy to be a true elite yelper. and it hardly seems worth doing at all if you're not one of the elite.

i've heard those yelp events are all garbage, anyway. all long lines and no party inside. how much fun could these people be? they're obnoxious over the internet; it's a sure thing they're borderline intolerable in person.

just dreamed my first million.

what's-her-bucket apparently based the twilight series on a recurring dream.

last night i had a dream that i was dressed up as a banana, a la george micheal/the bluth's banana stand. only i had a partner, also dressed up as a banana. we were told that since our suits were so cumbersome we would not be required to dance, however, we should probably sing a little something.

what do you think, my first best-seller?

julie and julia are BOTH pissing me off.

so this week i finished the book i was reading on ayurveda (perfect health) and picked up my next read from our home library, also known as the living room coffee table. i chose julie & julia since my mom and sister had already read it and i didn't want to be the only one who had seen the movie but not read the book, which is a literary misdemeanor for sure but not nearly as bad as reading the cliff's notes. i guess there aren't cliff's notes for julie & julia, though, but the nearest equivalent would be reading the wikipedia page, which is clearly awful.

since i'd seen the movie i thought i knew what to expect from the book. i thought it would be an easy and rather campy read, pretty mindless, to be honest. oh sure it would have its heartwarming aspects, but i could skim that garbage and breeze right through to the funnier parts.

but of course as is so often true in my very, very misguided life, i was wrong. it's not that i didn't expect julie & julia to be well-written, exactly, i just expected it to be a bit, well, amateur. one of those books that you read for content over style. as it turns out, julie & julia is extraordinarily well-written, funny and with almost enough uses of the word "fuck" and i haven't even felt the need to skip over the emotional/romantic/deep thoughts kind of parts.

and as is also so often true, this incidence of awesomeness is making me irrationally angry. i want to write a book, too! why couldn't i spend a year cooking delicious things and then get a book deal out of it? why couldn't i come up with a great idea for a blog and get tons of readers/fans and feel super popular? why not me!!!

as you can probably tell i am really busy being jealous of people right now, so i'm going to end this post here.

happy halloween, everyone!! if i see anyone dressed up and julie and/or julia i will likely punch them in the cooking-arm. fair warning.