yelp: the ultimate love/hate relationship.

ok, so i find myself with a hypocritically powerful hatred for yelp.

on the one hand, regular "yelpers" are unbearably pretentious. they go to "elite" events (they actually call themselves that on purpose! that adjective every well-educated democrat politician has worked a lifetime to avoid!), they write five-paragraph reviews based on their original five-point rating system, they post pics of their ironic tattoos and facial hair with no regard for the optical damage they are causing the rest of us.

yelp represents the absolute WORST of elitist hipster bullshit.

and yet.

i have a profile on yelp. and this makes me part of the very culture i constantly mock and undermine.

i have written a grand total of ONE yelp review, for seed, which serves tasty raw and cooked vegan food here in santa rosa and has the most DELICIOUS sunday brunch but has not been open in FOREVER except for the to go part since they are moving or something like that. i didn't even want to create a profile or anything on yelp but i couldn't help it. someone had written something about seen NOT being amazingly tasty and i just had to step in and set the record straight. basically yelp tricked me into joining and now my membership haunts me on a daily basis.

this one review i've written

both my somewhat accidental yelp membership and the fact that yelp is actually USEFUL more often than not (i would say an average of 68% or so, which i sure a seasoned yelper would rate as three stars, maybe four if the service was faster or the crowd was better, or if brunch was served a bit longer) have really put me in a predicament. i no longer feel justified making sweeping generalizations about yelp or yelpers, and this has really interfered with the critical (and witty) remarks i once delivered, almost on reflex. i've been hesitating to talk any shit whatsoever about yelp and the people on it because now I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE!

i am wondering if there may be some way around this. should i cancel my membership? should i just embrace my inner elitist and start reviewing every restaurant and cafe i've ever been to? should i design MY VERY OWN five-point rating system?

the fact is i'm just too lazy to be a true elite yelper. and it hardly seems worth doing at all if you're not one of the elite.

i've heard those yelp events are all garbage, anyway. all long lines and no party inside. how much fun could these people be? they're obnoxious over the internet; it's a sure thing they're borderline intolerable in person.

just dreamed my first million.

what's-her-bucket apparently based the twilight series on a recurring dream.

last night i had a dream that i was dressed up as a banana, a la george micheal/the bluth's banana stand. only i had a partner, also dressed up as a banana. we were told that since our suits were so cumbersome we would not be required to dance, however, we should probably sing a little something.

what do you think, my first best-seller?

julie and julia are BOTH pissing me off.

so this week i finished the book i was reading on ayurveda (perfect health) and picked up my next read from our home library, also known as the living room coffee table. i chose julie & julia since my mom and sister had already read it and i didn't want to be the only one who had seen the movie but not read the book, which is a literary misdemeanor for sure but not nearly as bad as reading the cliff's notes. i guess there aren't cliff's notes for julie & julia, though, but the nearest equivalent would be reading the wikipedia page, which is clearly awful.

since i'd seen the movie i thought i knew what to expect from the book. i thought it would be an easy and rather campy read, pretty mindless, to be honest. oh sure it would have its heartwarming aspects, but i could skim that garbage and breeze right through to the funnier parts.

but of course as is so often true in my very, very misguided life, i was wrong. it's not that i didn't expect julie & julia to be well-written, exactly, i just expected it to be a bit, well, amateur. one of those books that you read for content over style. as it turns out, julie & julia is extraordinarily well-written, funny and with almost enough uses of the word "fuck" and i haven't even felt the need to skip over the emotional/romantic/deep thoughts kind of parts.

and as is also so often true, this incidence of awesomeness is making me irrationally angry. i want to write a book, too! why couldn't i spend a year cooking delicious things and then get a book deal out of it? why couldn't i come up with a great idea for a blog and get tons of readers/fans and feel super popular? why not me!!!

as you can probably tell i am really busy being jealous of people right now, so i'm going to end this post here.

happy halloween, everyone!! if i see anyone dressed up and julie and/or julia i will likely punch them in the cooking-arm. fair warning.

how would one go about going to shaman school?

ok, so while i am not technically native american, i think i have enough dreamcatchers in my life to qualify me for honorary native-ness. plus, who's to say i don't have an ancestor hidden somewhere in the past that was a brave, squaw, even a chief of some sort? (are these words all pc? i'm too lazy to wiki that ish right now.) also i'm pretty sure that you can convert to native-american-ism, like judaism, and i am totes willing to do that, as long as it doesn't involve the chopping off of anything in my swimsuit area.

so, where can i go to shaman school? and can i go without doing pcp? i'd like to avoid any hallucinogens. i'm totally willing to drink firewater, if that helps.

ps will face/body paint be involved, and if so, can i design my own patterns and schemes? do i need help to apply the paint, or can i blue myself?

things i'm spectacular at: part 1

i debated for longer than i'd ever admit about rather to call this series "things i'm spectacular at" or "things at which i'm spectacular." while the latter is indeed the grammatically correct option, there are other factors at play here, such at good-sounding-ness. and i just thought that was more important. so, as you can see, i've gone with "things i'm spectacular at."

so, part 1, first thing i'm spectacular at: burning myself.

this is a skill i've honed over the years, for sure. it started with the usual things: an aluminum bowl my six-year-old self understood to meet the requirements for "microwave safe," a sneaky still-hot burner on the stove top, hot glue. as i got older the bathroom grew more dangerous, crimping and curling irons just a hair shy of heat-based weapons.

as it stands currently i try to incorportate a range of burn sources into my life. just last night i was busy with the three-prong curling iron, scarring not only the palm of my left hand but the left side of my face as well. but last week you would have found me pondering a dark mark left on my arm by the edge of my mom's fancy nonstick cookware. variety is, as they say, the spice of life.

i have a scar on the top of my left wrist (what is it about the left side, anyway?) from one of those big commerical conveyer-belt-type toasters i used when i worked in the dining room at the retirement home. i was about seventeen and shit was i skinny. maybe too skinny since the old people always shouted "young man!" at me from across the room when they wanted their wine glasses refreshed.

anyway i was toasting some cinnamon raisin bread and in kind of a hurry, so when that slow-ass toaster finally finished with the bread i shoved my hand it and quickly pulling the toast out. my fast-grab was a bit uncoordinated, though. instead of pulling the toast straight out of the toaster, i pulled it upwards. into the bottom of the toasting conveyer. you know, the heat source. my hand stuck there, and i heard the most disturbing sizzling, which was, of course, the sound of me, burning!

by far this is the most impressive scar i carry. i'm not sure if i'll ever best it, but you've got to stay motivated to improve, right?

stay tuned for part 2 of "things i'm spectacular at," which i haven't thought of yet.

not just for 6-year-olds anymore.

no one hates children more than me, ok? but i was inspired by them (and a really sexy raw vegan who i very much want to copy copy copy) to purchase this:

sweet, right?

no it's not a trampoline. ok it is a trampoline, but i am way too grown up to call it that, so i'm calling it a rebounder (which, incidentally, is what my sexy raw vegan friend- ur, well, acquaintance... uh... well anyway i totes follow her blog- calls hers). internet science proves rebounding is probs the best thing for you ever. also all the cool people are doing it. for example:



hi-YAH!!! this is i will be doing "soon" (when my order is shipping, "soon"). i will be kicking so much arse on my rebounder. and then doing bikram yoga just all the time. because fyi i am really active and healthy and you should probs be pretty jealous.

[update] ok i just actually read that rebounding article i linked to and it's even better than quickly scanning the diagrams led me to believe: "The free movement of the breasts during walking and exercise helps to pump the lymph through the breast tissue." while i am still trying to figure out if this is actual science, i do appreciate that someone is finally coming out against the tyranny of the brassiere.

maybe abortion IS a viable form of birth control.

so i know everyone has their own personal healthcare horror story, but my opinion is really important to everyone important (me) so i thought i should probably share it with the largest audience i could possibly reach, my facebook friends. i am moderately popular on social networks.

i (gasp) do not have any kind of health insurance. i'm not in school/am too old to be covered by my parents, and, additionally, i am poor. not poor enough for the government to give a shit, but poor enough to have to decide between health insurance and car insurance (guess which one is legally required by the state of california?). that's right: my volvo has a better chance of being repaired than i do.

so here's the thing: i have to pay the price of maintaining my lady-parts on my own, out of pocket, no help from anyone. full price. how much could that really cost? you might ask. well, let me tell you. birth control costs about $30 per month. that's just a dollar a day, but it adds up to $360 per year. but that doesn't include the cost of a women's annual, the yearly appointment required to be able to get a perscription for said birth control. i think women's annuals are awesome/important; pap smears, breast exams, i mean, i don't want cancer any more than the next lady. the problem, of course, is cost. last time i went to the lady doctor, i paid $90 for the office visit. which isn't that bad, really. but that's not where the real cost is. i also paid a little over $200 in lab fees, not for anything exotic, but for routine (remember, yearly) labwork. so this little visit ended up costing a total of $290. that's all out of my own, shallow pocket.

let's review, shall we? every year, for birth control and one appointment, i have to pay a total of $650 just for my vagina. if this seems a bit exessive to you, that's because it is.

the going rate for an abortion: $400-$500.

is it any wonder people in this country fail to use birth control when it is cheaper to get a yearly abortion than a yearly supply of birth control (including the cost of the annual exam)?

i am sorry but there is something wrong with these united states.

am i crazy to think that i should have to pay less for being responsible and preventing a pregnancy than having a surgical procedure to end it? it's not that i think the cost for abortions should be higher (by all means, lower the price!), but i do think that the cost of birth control is rather prohibitive for those of us who fall somewhere between where the government leaves off and private insurance picks up.

if i had less income, of course, the state of california would pay for any of the above (abortion, birth control, annual exam) in full. why am i doomed to receive inferior care simply because i make two dollars more an hour than those elligible for medi-cal?