a.m.c.

IMPORTANT PERSONAL ANNOUNCEMENT

2010-06-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

you can tell this post is supser (super serious) bc the title is written in ALL CAPS kanye-west style.

i have decided i do not want to work in an office being bored to death forever!!!! yay!

i'm taking the self-education + workshop approach to becoming a certified personal trainer (cpt). this means i am going to start designing a serious web site to market myself. i think it might be the end of this self-indulgent little bloggy (but not yet! DON'T WORRY! i will be here another 6 mos at least). i am not going to censor my personality, which would be impossible/tragic, rather i'm going to try and sell myself not-in-a-sexual-way through the interwebs.

i know i don't have any commenters or anything, but hopefully some facebook friends will follow the link i post and give me just a TASTE of their thoughts.

what do you look for in a personal trainer? i want to provide real value for $$$!

does a blogspot web address look unprofessional? should i get my own domain? WHAT SHOULD I CALL IT??

do you read fitness/nutrition blogs? what are some of your favorites?

please help!

loves and fist pumps,
allison

bristol palin = profound, obvs

2010-05-28T15:24:00.000-07:00

my favorite bristol palin quote: “I don't think it's hypocritical at all. Like, if you get lung cancer from smoking, why wouldn't you want to tell people, 'Hey, look, don't smoke.' Why wouldn't you want to be productive and share your story and do something positive with it?"

like, maybe getting pregnant and getting lung cancer are the SAME??

let's look at this scientifically:

unprotected sex = maybe baby

smoking cigarettes = maybe cancer

baby = maybe major life changes (the "maybe" is if you decide to have the baby)

cancer = maybe death

so... getting pregnant is exactly the same as getting a life-threatening disease? her baby is like, "WOOHOO I'M THE SAME AS A TUMOR!!"

then there's the other aspect of this quote, that bristol palin is actually suggesting the garbage she does promoting abstinence is doing "something positive." telling young women not to have sex because of how awful it is being pregnant/a young mother is NOT empowering, it's fear-mongering and GRADE. A. BALONEY. a young woman (and any woman, for that matter) should be able to take ownership of her sexuality and body in any way she wants.

i mean, is anyone ever actually going to figure out that abstinence only sex ed is shitty? it's out-dated, ineffective and (imo, obvs) sexually damaging. if women had more power over their own sexuality, they would get accidentally pregnant way less. TRUTH. women need sexual empowerment, not repression!! stop repressing meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!

everyone should have lots of sex with whomever they want! using a condom! DO IT NOW!

now updated with 130% better haircut!

2010-05-19T14:55:00.000-07:00

i got my hair cut recently by my FANTASTIC and SEXY friend, shanna. it makes my look maybe a million times better than real life, so obvs i had to share:

but so you don't actually expect me to look like this if you ever meet me, i've included a more accurate portrait, as well. with text included, FOR FREE.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

sparkles (not in a vampy way),
a

ps yes there are fingerprints on the second pic. I'M A HIPSTER, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? (apologies to eb for use of the word "hipster.")

pps i just realized that there are not snacks on me, just buttons. i am more put together than i thought! i do remember a beer spill on this top, though. or rather i found the evidence of a beer spill on this top the next day. same thing.

blood, minus the sweat and tears

2010-05-12T16:51:00.000-07:00

about ten minutes ago i sat down at my computer after putting away a bunch of office supplies (exciting stuff like post-its, folders- WITH FASTENERS!- and envelopes), and i'm like, "gee golly, what's that crusty bloody stuff on my finger there?" but at the same time i was realizing oh-shit-that-crusty-bloody-stuff-is-most-definitely-blood. then came the oh-so-awesome game called: WHERE AM I BLEEDING FROM? (or, the more grammatically correct: FROM WHERE AM I BLEEDING?)

i was super confused because i had just itched my nose vigorously so i thought it might be that, but i didn't remember picking it so that was pretty unlikely. also there are no mirrors here so i would have had to walk down the hall to the bathroom to check and i could have run into a movie star or something and man would that have been embarrassing. then i saw that the crusty blood had been transferred onto my middle finger from a paper cut on the side of my pointer finger. so, yeah... paper cut. i guess i'm not going to bleed to death or anything but I'M IN PAIN, TOO, OKAY?? and also it's pretty tragic that there are no awesome band-aids in this office, only boring ones that seem unreasonably old. like, aren't even sticky anymore old.

now just take that beef stick right out of my mouth, sir!

2010-05-09T19:40:00.000-07:00

SOMEONE TRIED TO POISON ME IN SEATTLE.

something i NEEDED to do while in seattle was go to a bar called the unicorn and eat a vegan corndog. because (1) i LOVE unicorns and (2) CORNDOG and (3) alcohol. and once i was good and liquored up i just HAD to have that corndog. i ordered it, i ate it, and then, IT WASN'T VEGAN. corndog FAIL. cut to yours truly barfing in the bar bathroom, yelling, "THEY PUT A BEEF STICK IN MY MOUTH." worst. corndog. EVER. and hey, lady, i saw you looking at me like that. OH LIKE NO ONE'S EVER SHOVED SOME BEEF IN YOUR MOUTH AGAINST YOUR WILL. you're not fooling anyone, b.

things were better later when i was able to relate this tragedy to a hot dog vendor who eased my broken heart with a tasty tofu dog. THANK YOU, MISTER HOT DOG VENDOR, for respecting my dietary choices and/or being able to hear me clearly.

tragically beefy,
allison

awkward moment of the day.

2010-05-07T14:39:00.000-07:00

today i was munching on hella carrots (and i mean HELLA, like, SO MANY carrots, I LOVE CARROTS. also carrots remind me of bunnies which are cute so i tend to have some sort of drooling grin-face happening while eating carrots, and the transcript of my thoughts goes something like, "yum... i'm like a bunny... i wish there was a bunny here to be my friend... esp a baby one... i like baby animals... bunnies... i'm glad to be eating a carrot not a bunny... nom nom..." so yeah i am pretty into carrots). as i was crunch-crunching my coworker walked by and thought i said something to her since i, as i said, was crunch-crunching and probs smiling with a far off i-love-bunnies look in my eye. this was awkward because i did NOT in fact say anything to my coworker, and also my mouth was super full of delicious carrot, so i could not answer in any coherent* way immediately, and she had to stand there and wait for me to chew this fucking carrot before i could say, "no i didn't say anything," and she could continue on her way. so that's 30 seconds she'll never get back, right there.

*the word "coherent" always reminds me of my college grad party and how my parents were there and leaving and my dad was trying to tell me something "important" or whatevs and kept asking me, "ARE YOU COHERENT," and i was like, "naw, man, i've had three bottles of peach champagne i am CLASSY," and really i was trying to pretend to be at least 50% sober when i was mabes 3.5% at that point, but i wanted him to just LEAVE so i could go to the bar. yeah i know that sounds excessive but hello, COLLEGE. i only do that kind of thing about once a week now, because i'm a fucking GROWN-UP. also i have never been able to find any peach champagne here in california so if you know where it's at plz HOLLA.

hey, nike, stop being an asshole!

2010-04-23T11:39:00.000-07:00

a couple of days ago i came across this op in the nytimes and i have been absolutely STEWING over it ever since. stewing, like a spicy, delicious chili. but righteously indignant!

the op is called "nike's women problem" and since i am a LOYAL nike customer and a SERIOUS runner AND A LADY i knew i needed to ch-ch-check it out. based on the title i kind of thought it might be funny, like, haha tiger woods is a dick but nike still sponsors him, pretty funny/odd and probably a WOMAN-whore would not get the same treatment as this (obvs) MAN-whore.

you see, i hadn't read the rest of the paper yet, including that article about ben roeth-- er... ben the football dude getting suspended from the nfl due to a little, hm, SEXUAL ASSAULT incident.

the connection here being, of course, that nike sponsors ben the football player/douche, too.

okay, wtFUCK, nike?? here i am, a LOYAL, LADY customer, spending my hard-earned tens of dollars on your clearance and outlet items, and meanwhile you are basically DISREGARDING my whole gender! i am sorry but the only thing that could make this worse is if you were also sponsoring MICHAEL "DOG-KILLER" VIC!

nike, if you want to make it up to me, i am prepared to accept your apology. the tiger woods thing, that's kind of over, so it wouldn't mean much of anything if you dropped him now. but please, FOR THE LOVE OF MY LADY PARTS, drop that footballer douche. this is not just moral murkiness, here. THIS IS A FUCKING CRIME! send a message to your LOYAL, FEMALE customers that nike loves the ladies, not RAPING the ladies.

oh, and sending a gift card my way would help, too. kthx.

idiots are great protein sources

2010-04-21T16:06:00.000-07:00

things that have a lot of protein and aren't meat:

beans
nuts
soy products
grains, esp. quinoa
seeds
sea vegetables like spirulina

things that have some protein and aren't meat:

fruits
vegetables
you know, FOOD

NONE OF THESE THINGS IS A COW, PIG, BUNNY, ETC.

spread the word so no vegan ever has to hear the question, "where do you get your protein?" EVER AGAIN because that question is super BORING!!

i mean, i could ask a lot of meat-eaters stupid-ass questions, too. like, "what's it like to stab bambi in the heart?" and, "do you really think that's HEALTHY?" and, "what do you think it's going to be like when there's no clean water available?" and, "HOW DOES THAT SHITBURGER TASTE??" but i don't ASK those questions. because i don't want to be a vegevangelist. but really, TRUTH.

and for serious NO ONE in the usa has a protein deficiency. know how i know? i looked it up, and the term is "kwashiorkor." that sounds weird, right? ever heard of it? ME NEITHER. that's because it only happens to people who are actually starving, not suffering the diseases of affluence like diabetes, gout, etc.

also you don't have to EAT protein to MAKE protein. cows are a bad example because they get fed all kinds of garbage ie calves' BLOOD but a cow's NATURAL diet does not have any meat in it. and still, the cow gets fat and has babies and nurses them and those babies get fat and SO CUTE.

I GET PLENTY OF FUCKING PROTEIN, THOUGH. THANKS.

ps sorry this post is so hostile?? but: this question is really boring me. don't ask me anymore.

top 5: canada sux*

2010-03-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

1. too many pretend french ppl. way worse than REAL french ppl.

2. celine dion. ick.

3. too cold. plus you never even know HOW cold you actually ARE, since celsius, like the metric system, doesn't make sense.

4. KILLING BABY SEALS I MEAN WTFUCK CANADA??

5. okay for reals i could not even come up with a number five, i went on wikipedia and found NOTHING ELSE interesting at all about canada, so number five is that there aren't even five things that are memorable about canada. also every time i type "canada" i accidentally type "cananada" and have to backspace, that sux too.

*yes i know it is kind of passe to talk shit about canada, but it's also passe to threaten to move there, because HELLO THEY ARE KILLING BABY SEALS.

UPDATE: oh no, ya'll! i just randomly stumbled upon the fact that that little bieber (bibber? beiber? baby?) kid is ALSO CANADIAN!! damn, he sux.

calling costa rica, or, carlos, marry me?

2010-03-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

this afternoon my boss calls. from south america.

"i need you to do me a favor and it is kind of weird."

good start.

"i left my wallet in this cab-" oh shit, i'm thinking, i am going to have to call cab companies to try and find this wallet which has certainly disappeared into the criminal underground and then I'M going to have to disappear into the criminal underground to find it and WHAT IF I NEVER RETURN?? "-and these people brought it back to me-" bullet DODGED "-and i need you to find them and get their home address so i can send them a thank you note."

"..."

"they are just checking into the hampton inn, at the airport. google it."

"..."

"call and see if they can connect you to their room to get their home address. i don't know the last name but his first name is rich and he's my age and he's from san diego and he has his daughter jessica with him who's in ninth grade."

"..."

"and just try. i mean i hugged them and thanked them so it's ok if it's not possible but try to get their address. rich the firefighter from san diego and jessica in 9th grade."

so i call this hampton inn and SURPRISE everyone there is speaking espanol and i'm like, "no bueno, ingles por favor," and finally CARLOS gets on the phone and I LOVE HIM because he can hable ingles.

i didn't get a hold of these people but carlos took a message for them to call me when they get back to the states.

so i just want to say CARLOS IF YOU ARE OUT THERE, CALL ME. let's be bff and if you're not married already maybe you can marry me if eben's ok with it just so you could stay here (i mean, if you wanted to) but NO FUNNY STUFF.

how i woke up this morning WITHOUT hitting "snooze": TRUE STORY

2010-03-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

this morning was the first in a good week that i got out of bed without hitting "snooze" (curse you, daylight savings!). HOW? (you might ask.) it was simple, really. i put my alarm in the bathroom! when it went off i had to get out of bed and once in the bathroom i just turned on the LIGHT (important step) and began my morning routine, albeit sleepily.

WIN.

soon i will be an early riser, be jealous of me!

bart is kind of a strange guy, to say the least. ok he's not a guy, but if he were. he'd be strange. but he's a train. he's still strange, though.

2010-03-09T08:39:00.000-08:00

anyone else find themselves in strange situations while riding the bart train?

april: i bring the SPICIEST BURRITO EVAR onto the bart in sf (16th & mission) since IT'S MY BIRTHDAY and i don't care about the rules/i'm pretty drunk. not sure why but at the time i thought this was the perfect opportunity to take GENUINELY sexah pix, the result being many unflattering shots of inappropriate gestures. for example:

july: a disheveled man on bart (16th & mission, again) offers me a hot dog from what i can only describe as a "TOWER OF WIENERS." when i politely decline he shrugs and says, "well, you looked REALLY hungry."

last thursday: a very DRUNK, relatively well-dressed middle-aged woman on bart (24th & mission) is tottering about the train. at every stop, she gets off, totters around the platform, then gets back on before the doors close. eb and i takes bets as to whether she will fall into the gap between the platform and the train, and when she will fail to get back on the train before it leaves again (it was at civic center station). at times it seems she is asleep. at times it seems she is about to barf, for sure. she is carrying two purses, one brown and one black. the black one might be a fanny pack.

last thursday, again: we transfer at macarthur station to get to the richmond train and make it back to albany. we sit behind a young couple, and all i notice about them is that they're dressed nicely (i've become pretty practiced at not looking at anyone too closely on bart). there is an unpleasant, familiar smell on the train. "what is that SMELL?" eb says. the girl in front of us (one half of the nicely dressed young couple) glares back at him. she's sitting kind of turned in her seat, toward the guy who's the other half of the nicely dressed young couple. idk what her problem is. "i don't know," i say, "it hella smells like garbage. garbage train!" this is pretty funny. but the girl isn't glaring anymore, so i take a longer look at the guy, and he bent over... oh god... he's bent over a plastic bag, and it's empty. i nudge eb and point to the floor where there is barf splatter pattern clearly indicating that the nicely dressed guy is the source of that smell VOMIT yes VOMIT that's the smell! lucky for us and our stomachs the couple gets off at the downtown berkeley station and we move to a different car that smells less like fresh puke. at this point it is definitely hilarious that we sat right behind the barf and talked about how bad it smelled for oh a couple minutes at least before we realized we were talking about the people in front of us. oops!

seems like bart just attracts intoxicated people. if i'm not one of those people, i'm taking notes on them. oh SHIT i wonder if anyone's ever taken notes on ME??

and is REALLY just a "COINCIDENCE" that "bart" and "barf" are only off by ONE LETTER? I THINK NOT!

the bra/breast cancer correlation, or: hello, i'm a dumbass.

2010-02-17T08:29:00.000-08:00

you may remember a little blog i wrote about the purchase of a trampoline/rebounder, in which i linked to a certain article about rebounding and breast health, in which one could find some "facts" about the correlation between breast cancer and wearing a bra. now here i am putting "facts" in quotation marks because yesterday i came across an article in the nytimes that is bent upon humiliating myself and others who heard from what they THOUGHT was a reliable source about this bra/breast cancer correlation but were actually DECEIVED and i'd rather NOT be embarrassed in that way again. i'm going to try my "best" to put quotation marks around "most things" so that this doesn't "happen" again. needless to say, it's "working."

if you don't want to read the actual article, here's the gist: there's never been a real study done on the bra/breast cancer correlation because the idea that there would be one is so patently IDIOTIC (or to quote the doctor in the article, "scientifically implausible") that such a study would be utterly LAUGHABLE, not to mention unnecessary. in other words: "fuck i am a dumbass."

turns out wikipedia isn't the worst you could do as far as reliable accuracy goes. it really sucks when ppl write misleading articles about trampolines that take advantage of those of us who very much would like to be hippies but dislike the smell of patchouli. I DON'T WANT TO SMELL LIKE PATCHOULI I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO JUSTIFY NOT WEARING A BRA is that so much to ask??

review of google buzz.

2010-02-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

google buzz = twitter + facebook - an impressive number of friends

2010-01-29T14:25:00.000-08:00

guy next to me on the bus is a "singer, actor, voice impressionist." oh and he needs a quarter. about 7 hours ago from txt

worth sharing.

2010-01-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

here are a couple of my recent fave things (not super oprah-core, but whatevs):

overheard in the office

texts from last night

my dad is a fob (there's one for moms, too)

and of course,

average cats

just trying to branch out beyond fmylife.com. probs all of this is old news, anyway. but if any of these are new to you, you will surely enjoy!

obvs my bf is making me fat.

2010-01-06T17:29:00.000-08:00

came across this article at nytimes.com yesterday. the basic idea is that, as a lady, i'll likely get fatter faster living with my bf than i would if i were single. if i had a baby i'd get fatter fastest; really dodged a bullet on that one.

i sent eben a text after i read this article, asking him WHY he would do that (make me fat).

his response was even more assuring than i could have ever expected. "more cushion for the pushin."

pass the potato chips!

someone's pretty jealous!

2010-01-05T22:22:00.000-08:00

my mom this morning: "you're wearing that to work? aren't those your pajamas?"

my reply: "yes. and yes."

mom: "..."

me: "don't be jealous slash dbj."

yelp: the ultimate love/hate relationship.

2009-12-21T18:31:00.000-08:00

ok, so i find myself with a hypocritically powerful hatred for yelp.

on the one hand, regular "yelpers" are unbearably pretentious. they go to "elite" events (they actually call themselves that on purpose! that adjective every well-educated democrat politician has worked a lifetime to avoid!), they write five-paragraph reviews based on their original five-point rating system, they post pics of their ironic tattoos and facial hair with no regard for the optical damage they are causing the rest of us.

yelp represents the absolute WORST of elitist hipster bullshit.

and yet.

i have a profile on yelp. and this makes me part of the very culture i constantly mock and undermine.

i have written a grand total of ONE yelp review, for seed, which serves tasty raw and cooked vegan food here in santa rosa and has the most DELICIOUS sunday brunch but has not been open in FOREVER except for the to go part since they are moving or something like that. i didn't even want to create a profile or anything on yelp but i couldn't help it. someone had written something about seen NOT being amazingly tasty and i just had to step in and set the record straight. basically yelp tricked me into joining and now my membership haunts me on a daily basis.

both my somewhat accidental yelp membership and the fact that yelp is actually USEFUL more often than not (i would say an average of 68% or so, which i sure a seasoned yelper would rate as three stars, maybe four if the service was faster or the crowd was better, or if brunch was served a bit longer) have really put me in a predicament. i no longer feel justified making sweeping generalizations about yelp or yelpers, and this has really interfered with the critical (and witty) remarks i once delivered, almost on reflex. i've been hesitating to talk any shit whatsoever about yelp and the people on it because now I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE!

i am wondering if there may be some way around this. should i cancel my membership? should i just embrace my inner elitist and start reviewing every restaurant and cafe i've ever been to? should i design MY VERY OWN five-point rating system?

the fact is i'm just too lazy to be a true elite yelper. and it hardly seems worth doing at all if you're not one of the elite.

i've heard those yelp events are all garbage, anyway. all long lines and no party inside. how much fun could these people be? they're obnoxious over the internet; it's a sure thing they're borderline intolerable in person.

just dreamed my first million.

2009-12-18T18:43:00.000-08:00

what's-her-bucket apparently based the twilight series on a recurring dream.

last night i had a dream that i was dressed up as a banana, a la george micheal/the bluth's banana stand. only i had a partner, also dressed up as a banana. we were told that since our suits were so cumbersome we would not be required to dance, however, we should probably sing a little something.

what do you think, my first best-seller?

julie and julia are BOTH pissing me off.

2009-10-30T18:25:00.000-07:00

so this week i finished the book i was reading on ayurveda (perfect health) and picked up my next read from our home library, also known as the living room coffee table. i chose julie & julia since my mom and sister had already read it and i didn't want to be the only one who had seen the movie but not read the book, which is a literary misdemeanor for sure but not nearly as bad as reading the cliff's notes. i guess there aren't cliff's notes for julie & julia, though, but the nearest equivalent would be reading the wikipedia page, which is clearly awful.

since i'd seen the movie i thought i knew what to expect from the book. i thought it would be an easy and rather campy read, pretty mindless, to be honest. oh sure it would have its heartwarming aspects, but i could skim that garbage and breeze right through to the funnier parts.

but of course as is so often true in my very, very misguided life, i was wrong. it's not that i didn't expect julie & julia to be well-written, exactly, i just expected it to be a bit, well, amateur. one of those books that you read for content over style. as it turns out, julie & julia is extraordinarily well-written, funny and with almost enough uses of the word "fuck" and i haven't even felt the need to skip over the emotional/romantic/deep thoughts kind of parts.

and as is also so often true, this incidence of awesomeness is making me irrationally angry. i want to write a book, too! why couldn't i spend a year cooking delicious things and then get a book deal out of it? why couldn't i come up with a great idea for a blog and get tons of readers/fans and feel super popular? why not me!!!

as you can probably tell i am really busy being jealous of people right now, so i'm going to end this post here.

happy halloween, everyone!! if i see anyone dressed up and julie and/or julia i will likely punch them in the cooking-arm. fair warning.

how would one go about going to shaman school?

2009-10-15T18:02:00.000-07:00

ok, so while i am not technically native american, i think i have enough dreamcatchers in my life to qualify me for honorary native-ness. plus, who's to say i don't have an ancestor hidden somewhere in the past that was a brave, squaw, even a chief of some sort? (are these words all pc? i'm too lazy to wiki that ish right now.) also i'm pretty sure that you can convert to native-american-ism, like judaism, and i am totes willing to do that, as long as it doesn't involve the chopping off of anything in my swimsuit area.

so, where can i go to shaman school? and can i go without doing pcp? i'd like to avoid any hallucinogens. i'm totally willing to drink firewater, if that helps.

ps will face/body paint be involved, and if so, can i design my own patterns and schemes? do i need help to apply the paint, or can i blue myself?

things i'm spectacular at: part 1

2009-10-02T16:40:00.000-07:00

i debated for longer than i'd ever admit about rather to call this series "things i'm spectacular at" or "things at which i'm spectacular." while the latter is indeed the grammatically correct option, there are other factors at play here, such at good-sounding-ness. and i just thought that was more important. so, as you can see, i've gone with "things i'm spectacular at."

so, part 1, first thing i'm spectacular at: burning myself.

this is a skill i've honed over the years, for sure. it started with the usual things: an aluminum bowl my six-year-old self understood to meet the requirements for "microwave safe," a sneaky still-hot burner on the stove top, hot glue. as i got older the bathroom grew more dangerous, crimping and curling irons just a hair shy of heat-based weapons.

as it stands currently i try to incorportate a range of burn sources into my life. just last night i was busy with the three-prong curling iron, scarring not only the palm of my left hand but the left side of my face as well. but last week you would have found me pondering a dark mark left on my arm by the edge of my mom's fancy nonstick cookware. variety is, as they say, the spice of life.

i have a scar on the top of my left wrist (what is it about the left side, anyway?) from one of those big commerical conveyer-belt-type toasters i used when i worked in the dining room at the retirement home. i was about seventeen and shit was i skinny. maybe too skinny since the old people always shouted "young man!" at me from across the room when they wanted their wine glasses refreshed.

anyway i was toasting some cinnamon raisin bread and in kind of a hurry, so when that slow-ass toaster finally finished with the bread i shoved my hand it and quickly pulling the toast out. my fast-grab was a bit uncoordinated, though. instead of pulling the toast straight out of the toaster, i pulled it upwards. into the bottom of the toasting conveyer. you know, the heat source. my hand stuck there, and i heard the most disturbing sizzling, which was, of course, the sound of me, burning!

by far this is the most impressive scar i carry. i'm not sure if i'll ever best it, but you've got to stay motivated to improve, right?

stay tuned for part 2 of "things i'm spectacular at," which i haven't thought of yet.

not just for 6-year-olds anymore.

2009-09-22T14:49:00.000-07:00

no one hates children more than me, ok? but i was inspired by them (and a really sexy raw vegan who i very much want to copy copy copy) to purchase this:

sweet, right?

no it's not a trampoline. ok it is a trampoline, but i am way too grown up to call it that, so i'm calling it a rebounder (which, incidentally, is what my sexy raw vegan friend- ur, well, acquaintance... uh... well anyway i totes follow her blog- calls hers). internet science proves rebounding is probs the best thing for you ever. also all the cool people are doing it. for example:

hi-YAH!!! this is i will be doing "soon" (when my order is shipping, "soon"). i will be kicking so much arse on my rebounder. and then doing bikram yoga just all the time. because fyi i am really active and healthy and you should probs be pretty jealous.

[update] ok i just actually read that rebounding article i linked to and it's even better than quickly scanning the diagrams led me to believe: "The free movement of the breasts during walking and exercise helps to pump the lymph through the breast tissue." while i am still trying to figure out if this is actual science, i do appreciate that someone is finally coming out against the tyranny of the brassiere.

maybe abortion IS a viable form of birth control.

2009-09-04T09:29:00.001-07:00

so i know everyone has their own personal healthcare horror story, but my opinion is really important to everyone important (me) so i thought i should probably share it with the largest audience i could possibly reach, my facebook friends. i am moderately popular on social networks.

i (gasp) do not have any kind of health insurance. i'm not in school/am too old to be covered by my parents, and, additionally, i am poor. not poor enough for the government to give a shit, but poor enough to have to decide between health insurance and car insurance (guess which one is legally required by the state of california?). that's right: my volvo has a better chance of being repaired than i do.

so here's the thing: i have to pay the price of maintaining my lady-parts on my own, out of pocket, no help from anyone. full price. how much could that really cost? you might ask. well, let me tell you. birth control costs about $30 per month. that's just a dollar a day, but it adds up to $360 per year. but that doesn't include the cost of a women's annual, the yearly appointment required to be able to get a perscription for said birth control. i think women's annuals are awesome/important; pap smears, breast exams, i mean, i don't want cancer any more than the next lady. the problem, of course, is cost. last time i went to the lady doctor, i paid $90 for the office visit. which isn't that bad, really. but that's not where the real cost is. i also paid a little over $200 in lab fees, not for anything exotic, but for routine (remember, yearly) labwork. so this little visit ended up costing a total of $290. that's all out of my own, shallow pocket.

let's review, shall we? every year, for birth control and one appointment, i have to pay a total of $650 just for my vagina. if this seems a bit exessive to you, that's because it is.

the going rate for an abortion: $400-$500.

is it any wonder people in this country fail to use birth control when it is cheaper to get a yearly abortion than a yearly supply of birth control (including the cost of the annual exam)?

i am sorry but there is something wrong with these united states.

am i crazy to think that i should have to pay less for being responsible and preventing a pregnancy than having a surgical procedure to end it? it's not that i think the cost for abortions should be higher (by all means, lower the price!), but i do think that the cost of birth control is rather prohibitive for those of us who fall somewhere between where the government leaves off and private insurance picks up.

if i had less income, of course, the state of california would pay for any of the above (abortion, birth control, annual exam) in full. why am i doomed to receive inferior care simply because i make two dollars more an hour than those elligible for medi-cal?

the current state of my boyfriend's face.

2009-08-19T18:32:00.000-07:00

can't seem to snap myself out of this reverie, and no wonder.

the best part is, i totes asked for it.

please voice your thoughts. does this face belong to: (a) a cholo, (b) a 70s/gay porn star, or (c) an ironically-inclined hipster youth?

heartwarming, really.

2009-08-16T16:27:00.000-07:00

what do you think it says about a father-daughter relationship when said father attempts to leave/run-over said daughter in the driveway on the way to a family outing? and then says, "i didn't know she was coming,"?

can you feel the love?

yeah, me neither.

proof that the battle rages on.

2009-08-15T19:15:00.000-07:00

yesterday my family went out to dinner for my sister's 23rd birthday. this was the front of the menu at the restaurant:

this is clear evidence that the battle rages on between the bear and the wolf as to who will ultimately be my power animal and will therefore given prime tattoo territory. fight on, bear and wolf, fight on.

still attempting to determine the relationship between wolves and italian food, though. little confusing, that one.

as the volvo gets ready to draw its last breath...

2009-08-11T17:58:00.000-07:00

i am getting ready to sink myself into some good ole fashioned american debt! and it will look like this:

at least it's shiny, right?

my leg really does kind of hurt.

2009-08-06T18:57:00.000-07:00

today i wanted to delete my account from this website that lets you map your run and figure out the mileage and stuff, because now i have a super fancy nike+ sportband so i don't need that bullshit.

so to delete my account i had to do the normal enter email, enter password, confirm password, etc. but i also had to type "DELETE MY ACCOUNT" into this required field and was informed that it had to be in ALL CAPS and it had to be spelled perfectly. i forgave them for that one, because how could they know i'm perfect?

weird was when i had to type in a reason i was canceling the account. the instructions said, "reason you are canceling the account. REQUIRED," so i knew i had to do it.

i didn't want to make the website feel bad about the fact that it sucked and had way too many ads and sent me too many stupid spam emails and wasn't all that accurate and was def not as awesome as the nike+ sportband, so i came up with another explanation, "i am canceling my account because i lost my leg in a car accident and can't run anymore." i think it was a pretty good white lie, since it was both hilarious and spared the website's feelings.

what i mean to say is, amputees are not funny, and never will be.

that's why you always leave a note.

triage mechanics.

2009-07-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

as you may well have gathered from the fact that i mentioned in my previous post the impending "death of the volvo," my volvo is dying. dying.

and it is not a quiet death.

i spent $308 dollars this week to basically receive a laundry list of everything that is wrong with my car that i cannot afford to fix. they did replace the transmission mount (hehe, mount) and adjust the brakes, but the "to-do" list is much longer:

-replace radiator
-replace water pump
-replace rear tires
-replace heater control valve

yes, all those "replace"s will not be cheap.

and let's not forget what i've already given up on: the grill is dented, the locks are broken, and the air conditioning no longer functions.

i know this is what i can expect from a car that's 20 years old and has more than 230,000 miles on it, but really. if the volvo were human she wouldn't even be done with her b.a., and she's already got a foot in the grave? if forty is the new thirty, could twenty be the new ten? for like, cars? mabes?

this is what i want, but i can't wait two years! the volvo will be long cold in the ground by then.

i think my bicycle is looking at some regular use in its near future. you know, a lot of rides. hehe, rides.

i am totally organized.

2009-07-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

this morning i left my overnight bag by my car while i went into the mechanic's office to pay for the repairs that are only denying the inevitable (death of the volvo).

i paid, walked back to my car, ran over the bag and drove away.

the mechanic called me about 30 min later asking if i was missing "a bag with tire-tracks."

yes, that would be mine.

mlia.

2009-07-18T17:47:00.000-07:00

i am obsessed with mylifeisaverage. i check it more times a day than facebook, myspace and twitter combined. ok mabes not twitter, but the other ones.

but not mlia. i find myself formatting little stories in my head all day, trying to think of something average/clever enough to get published.

i've submitted a total of 27 stories.

not one has been published.

therefore, i'm left with the only logical conclusion: i am less than average.

but i just can't bring myself to submit anything to fmylife or mylifeisg. fmylife is too intimidating, and mylifeisg (the g stands for "great,") is, as you may have guessed from the title, boring as fuck. i would be embarassed to have something published on mylifeisg, while getting something pubished on mlia would make me feel like a celebrity (i know this isn't really a valid response to my average-ness being confirmed, but idc).

mlia also allows you to vote on other ppl's submissions to the site, which i find myself doing more than i'd like to admit. but i've never once seen one of my submissions up for vote (and believe me, i've looked). can it be that my stories aren't even good enough to make it by the censor? i don't understand what's going on, because i'm fairly convinced that every story i submit is the most well-written, hilarious, insightful submission ever. i can't remember an example right now, but trust, truth.

i say the cutest things.

2009-07-10T14:20:00.000-07:00

today my co-worker grabbed a doughnut and said, "i need sugar."

i said, "but you're already so sweet!"

i felt cute and clever at the same time.

i'm so fancy!

2009-07-01T17:57:00.000-07:00

i have a fancy running injury! this is actually legitimate, as in it's on webmd not just wikipedia.

this does mean i will not be running the santa rosa marathon (half) in august, but i found hella other marathons that are happening in the area, later in the year, one on halloween even! so probs i will run that one, at least i hope so.

anyway, running is boring to write about, and i imagine equally as boring to read about.

so in other news, i would very much like to start a gossip-girl style blog/twitter about all the dramatic goings-on at the office. but no one in the office is on twitter. also i kind of want it to be anonymous, but clearly i am not so good at shutting it up and my writing style is also quite... well, to use a euphemism i guess, unique. it's too bad that gossip girl is not real as in not rl, because it would be pretty epic to make this happen.

i wish i lived in tv world. with chuck bass.

2009-07-01T16:18:00.001-07:00

this is an update from my mobile device.

follow ME!

2009-06-17T14:15:00.000-07:00

probs everyone should follow me on twitter, since i am hilarious.

because i'm just that creepy.

2009-06-16T15:56:00.000-07:00

ed westwick is just the most delicious piece of jailbait this side of tween-dom.

i'm sorry (not really, though), but i just cannot keep myself from re-posting these.

thank you, gq.

ed westwick, if you ever happen to see this, i am in love with you. but not in a creepy way. just in a i-want-your-body way. i mean, i know i'm kind of creepy, but my love for you is totes pure(ly about what's in your pants).

call me.

yes, i AM self-absorbed, thank you.

2009-06-12T17:42:00.000-07:00

new haircut!!!

you like?

yes, this post is about twitter.

2009-05-30T17:30:00.000-07:00

this past week or so with all the dramz over prop 8 ish i've been tagging a lot of my tweets with #rejectprop8 (yes, i use hashtags, even though i hate them, yet another example of how complex/deep/layered my personality is). well, it seems the law of cause&effect is alive and well, because now i am being followed by a whole mob of pro same-sex marriage tweeple. my follower list is now half these tweeple, half tweetbots, and half my friends (all of whom are better at math than i am and most likely don't have my updates sent to their mobile because i update way too much and following me on twitter is almost as annoying as listening to me in person).

basically i'm really popular with the gays now, and that's pretty cool most times but they should probably know that i'm not going to actually do anything to help, besides my tweets with the hashtags, of course, i am doing that.

i'm popular and i'm an activist. try not to be jealous.

i look better in natural light.

2009-05-26T16:41:00.000-07:00

we had windows put into our office recently. like, last week. we didn't have any windows before. that's right, i worked in a warehouse/dungeon, fluorescent light only.

BUT that's all changed now. now i work in a construction zone.

the natural light in the midst of all this noisy darkness seems to be the guys who are working on the building, who are amazing/talkative. so far the brightest gems are:

"is that stuff spewing out of your cracks, there?" and,

"you're exposed-- you're half in, half out."

crossing my fingers for more.

britney's dad probably wouldn't give a shit about this post.

2009-05-19T19:49:00.000-07:00

ok so i know we've all heard that britney spears song "if you seek amy" that when you say it out loud it sounds like "f-u-c-k me." and i don't mean like, if you say it really fast or if you kind of mumble or say it a certain way, i mean if you just speak, that's what it sounds like, "f-u-c-k me."

well someone cared, i guess, because now if you ever hear the song on the radio the lyrics have been changed to "if you see amy," which results in them sounding like, "f-u-c-a me."

now i don't know about you, but to my ear "f-u-c-a me" sounds like infinitely more fucked up than the original.

also, i'd really like to know who came up with these lyrics, so i can make them my screenwriter in the movie of my life. there is nothing i want more right now than an extensive collection of phrases that seem innocuous when written but completely awesome when spoken aloud. i know i could probably use the tools of the internet to figure out this information, but as of this moment i can't really be bothered/i am lazy (normal).

xan/relax

2009-05-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

best way to get through a difficult day: a beer for lunch and xan/relax for dessert.

got to go meet someone for dinner... hope i am ok to drive! if not, santa rosa police arrest log, here i come!

follow me on twitter!

who got arrested today?

2009-05-11T21:47:00.000-07:00

this is a game i like to play: "who got arrested today?" even though really it's mostly "who got arrested two to four days ago?" because they only update the arrest log every couple days.

the may 10th arrest log is really good because there are like three people whose charges are "carry concealed dirk or dagger." i didn't even know they made daggers anymore! and i had to look up "dirk, " which, according to wiki, is like a dagger, but shorter. and way cooler. basically a dirk is like dagger's little brother who is smaller but way better looking.

if i get bored of looking at who's being arrested for shoplifting or being homeless then i try to recognize sex offenders from the interwebs. it's cool to look in your neighborhood and try to figure out which house exactly the guy with a record for "committing sexual acts with a minor under 14" is. but then when you actually recognize someone there's that moment when dark curiosity turns into genuine terror and that can be uncomfortable.

i'm going to make a great parent some day.

2009-03-09T14:20:00.000-07:00

and by "parent," i mean "abortion candidate."